Today was a rough day for me. It shouldn't be considering Dominic has been seizure-free for 12 days. But Satan was on the prowl and I let him get me down. It all started when I came across the blog of a mother in the support group. Her child had congenital CMV which caused cerebral palsy and hearing impairment and ultimately led to Infantile Spams. This led me to the "Stop CMV" website and it was a downward spiral. I started reading about it and all of the horrible things that congenital CMV can do. So, of course I called up Dominic's Infectious Diseases doctor and started talking hysterically to him about all of this. I couldn't help but think this was all my fault and that I had given this to Dominic and if it weren't for me, he wouldn't have to go through all this. Fortunately, his doctor is great and talked me down and explained that many babies are born with congenital CMV and only 10% ever have problems. Most children that are severely affected by it have unusual ultrasounds, small heads and eyes and show symptoms at birth. He also said that Dominic would have had calcifications on his brain that would show on his CT scan, which he did not. The only thing they are a little concerned about is his hearing, but he will have the diagnostic BAER to further investigate that. At this point, no need to worry. He could have just had wax in his ear and that's why he failed the screening. So, needless to say, he calmed me down and assured me that we are doing the best thing for him by completing the 6 week anti-viral therapy. He has found that even children that were diagnosed with hearing impairment due to CMV actual improve after the anti-viral treatment. So, we're doing all the right things.
I have found since being a mother that I have a major guilt complex. I feel guilty that I don't spend enough time with Mitchell, guilty that he watches too much TV and eats too much junk, guilty that I don't hold Dominic enough. I have to get over it, I know that, but I can't help it. I want to be "supermom" and raise the perfect happy, healthy, and polite kids. So, when the thought entered my brain that I could be the reason Dominic is dealing with all this, I lost it. I let Satan take me in my weakness and I started to doubt. Fortunately, I have an amazing and strong husband who came home and prayed over me. I also have great friends that bring cookies and muffins and offer wonderful support. And I have a wonderful family who doesn't just tell me not to feel that way, but says they understand and empathize. I have acknowledged the way I feel and have decided I am not going to let Satan steal my joy. My son is getting better and that is what I have been praying for throughout the last 2 1/2 months. This is nothing short of a miracle and I need to rejoice in that. I refuse to spend another minute doubting what God is doing in Dominic's and my life. I will continue to praise God, from who all blessing flow. And as for Satan - get the hell out!
Mike and Laura, I work with Bill Dunlap. Just wanted you to know that many here (including my wife and myself) are in prayer for your family. I have a picture of Dominic in my office to remind my to continue to pray for all of you. God is with you.
ReplyDeleteJim Winslow
Thank you, Jim. We very much appreciate the thoughts and prayers :o)
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